Growth-Centered Approach to Marital Love
For a few decades, Catholic theology is trying to found marriage on the ‘love’ of the couple as a response to the increasing importance of interpersonal relationship in (Western) marriages. However, as “love” is open to multiple interpretations, the response remains ambiguous. Therefore, an attempt that clarifies the meaning of love in marriage might be useful.
The main thesis of the paper: marital love needs to be regarded as a web of relationships that are mutually linked on the basis of the personal growth of the spouses.
In order to substantiate this thesis, we begin with the concrete example of the increasing importance of the personal relationship in marriage in Kerala. The second part will focus on the question this gives rise to in the theology of marriage. It will be followed by a discussion of how an emphasis on the growth-based interconnectedness of various relationships in marriage can effectively answer the question.
1. The Shift from the Arranged to the ‘Assisted’ Marriage
Due to various reasons, marriage is no more a mere part of the family, but the other way round.
The assisted marriage, which highly values the determinative role of the prospective spouses in the selection of the marriage partner, indicates the emerging importance of the interpersonal relationship of the couple in marriage.
2. The Question to Be Answered
(This section below is in a table form in the original. Unfortunately, I can't put it here in a table form. Please refer to the original file sent to you in attachment)
The importance of the interpersonal relationship of the couple has its impact upon the other relationships in marriage.
Various Relationships
Arranged Marriage
Assisted Marriage
Self-love:
Arranged Marriage : Self-sacrifice for the family
Assisted Marriage: Importance of the well-being of the individual
Expects greater reciprocity
Love of God
Arranged Marriage: Author or stipulator of the institution of marriage
Motive for the acceptance of difficulties in marriage
Assisted Marriage: Source of love
Does not demand what is impossible
Love of the Families of Origin
Arranged Marriage: Priority for the well-being and harmony of the family
Assisted Marriage: Independence from the family
Love of Children
Arranged Marriage: Agents to continue the family line
Hierarchical
Assisted Marriage: Fruits of or intruders to the relationship of the couple
Less in number
Love of Neighbour
Arranged Marriage: Family as the basic cell
Through children
Assisted Marriage: Retreat from the neighbour to the private world of the couple
It seems that the personal spousal relationship could be integral only when a similar emphasis is recognised in the other relationships. Hence the fundamental question is what is the link between spousal relationship and the other relationships in marriage?
3. Growth-based Mutuality
In order to answer the above question, we have to first understand the unique element that the emphasis on the interpersonal relationship of the couple highlights. A close analysis might suggest that the interpersonal relationship lays much emphasis on the personal growth of the spouses through the love of communion. The spousal relationship is not a mere means for an end exterior to it, for example, the harmony of the family, but an end in itself, the well-being of the spouses. A critical approach may distinguish the focus on the growth of the spouses from selfishness. The personal growth of the spouses, which means the realisation of the potentials of the spouses, is not limited to them, but shared with the other. To go a step further, it can be stated that the spouses are not capable of realising the growth through the spousal relationship alone, because human relationships are interconnected.
3.1. Spousal Love and Self-Love
Self-love means the acceptance of oneself and the care to realise one’s own potentials. Spousal love contributes to this acceptance and the realisation of oneself. On the other hand, self-love is essential to spousal love. A spouse who acts altruistically without any ‘self-interest’ may not be a good lover in a spousal sense. Indeed, self-sacrifice is valued, but as a creative force.
3.2. Spousal Love and the Love of God
The experience of the love of God helps the spouses grow in such a way that they are able to love each other better. God is love and the source of spousal love. The love of God reveals His plan for the marriage. Christ-Church relationship as a model for the couple motivates them. By loving God, the couple are encouraged to take up the additional moral responsibility to love each other. The experience of care and affirmation by God can be a source of growth for the couple. On the other hand, spousal love may help the spouses to grow in their love of God. Love becomes prayer. Spousal love signifies God’s love for His people and Christ’s love for the Church. The affirmation and care provided by the partner points to God’s own love for us. Spousal love is total and may remind each other that he/she is “the temple of God” (1Cor 3:16). The incarnation of God in human flesh and the idea of family as the “domestic Church” support the mutuality of spousal love and the love of God based on the growth of the spouses. The present approach has the advantage of integrating the fundamental openness of the human person towards God with the actual loving of the couple.
3.3. Spousal Love and the Love of the Families of Origin
The family of origin is closely linked to spousal relationship. In a sense, spousal relationship is the repetition of the parental spousal relationship. The experiential wisdom of the parents, the loving support of the families, the caring for the aged parents, etc., might help the spouses grow in their relationship to each other. On the other hand, the growth that the couple realise through the spousal relationship may enrich their relationship with the families of origin. The contribution of children to their parents does not stop with the arrival of adulthood, but continues even through the marriage until the death of the parents. An adequate consideration of the mutual link between spousal love and the love of the families of origin invites our attention to the integral reading of the repeated biblical teaching that “a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife, and two of them become one body” (Gen 2:24; Mt 19:5; Mk 10:7; Eph 5:31).
3.4. Spousal Love and the Love of Children
Children are the fruits of spousal love. They are not merely the products of a biological relationship, but incarnation of the loving relationship of the spouses. Spousal love is crucial not only to the birth, but also to the growth of the children. On the other hand, children help the couple to grow personally and thereby in their relationship. Parental love is not simply vertical but horizontal. Family relations are not simply benevolent, but a love of communion.
3.5. Spousal Love and the Love of Neighbour
Spousal love needs to be open to the neighbour not simply through the children, but also through the spouses directly. The spouses help each other to become a better person in society. On the other hand, the relationship with the neighbour has the potentiality to enrich the spouses and thereby their relationship. For example, good friendships or acts of charity contribute to the growth of the spouses and have a positive effect upon the relationship of the couple. In this perspective, social relations are neither optional nor intrusions
Conclusion
As an adequate response to the importance of the interpersonal relationship in marriage, theology has to emphasise the personal growth of the spouses, i.e., the realisation of one’s potentials, which is potentially fostered by and extended to various relationships in marriage. The doctrine of the Trinity may be helpful to bring out the growth-based interconnectedness of relationships.
Augustine Kallely
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Sunday, April 5, 2009
LIFT (Leuven-Indian Forum for Theology) is born
Dear Friends,
Greetings in the name of LIFT (Leuven-Indian Forum for Theology) which was formed on 31st March, 2009. We had very enthusiastic start-off to the Forum. While all those participated in the inaugural meeting were very positive of such a Forum, even those who were absent showed their interest by enquiring about the inaugural meeting. I am happy to furnish here below some of important resolutions taken regarding the forum in its inaugural meeting.
§ The inaugural meeting was well-attended. While a few expressed their inability to attend, others chose to be absent unacknowledged. Here is the list of those who attended: Augustine, Baiju, Bosco, James, Jeeva, Joji, Josin, Martin, Raja, Sahayadas, Saji, Simplicio.
§ The Forum will meet once a month, preferably in Louis Janssens Hall of the Holy Spirit College. While the date of each meeting will be decided at its previous meeting, the time of the meeting is proposed to be 8-10 p.m.
§ It was proposed to maintain a kind of flexibility in the mode of the monthly meetings. So, no fixed format was decided, and the format of each following meeting will be planned at its previous meeting. Some proposed activities of these meetings are: presentations and discussions on some theological issues related to India, update on Indian theological publications, sharing thoughts on each other’s research, etc.
§ While the forum will principally consist of the Indian pre-doctoral and doctoral students of theology at our university, the forum is open to other Indian students, those of masters’ level, as well as those doing studies at other faculties.
§ Martin, Sahayadas and Simplicio volunteered to coordinate creation of a bibliographical database of the Indian theological resources, which will be made available to all in the course of time. (Our thanks to Martin, Sahayadas and Simplicio!). They already had their first meeting to plan the modalities of the creation of the database, and they seem to have exciting ideas. They want to seek the help of those of us who are willing to help in the collection of the data. If you are willing to help, please contact one of them:
§ I (Joji) have been asked to coordinate the forum for this academic year. Bosco has volunteered to record the proceedings of the future meetings. And he will post them on the blog after each meeting. (Our thanks to Bosco!)
§ The next meeting will take place on 30th April, 2009, in the Louis Jannsen’s Hall of the Holy Spirit College. Augustine Kallely will be presenting a paper, which will be followed by a lengthy discussion on it. More information on the theme of Augustine’s paper will be disbursed to you later. (Our thanks to Augustine!). … Joji will supply chai at this meeting!!! (My good neighbour, James, has assured me his help… expect a good chai then !!!)
We would like to take this opportunity to thank all those who have attended the inaugural meeting, which was very fruitful. We hope to see all those who were unable to attend the first meeting, at our next meeting on 30th April. We encourage you all to participate in our meetings; we promise a lot of lively and enriching discussions of theological issues related to our dear India.
PLEASE NOTE:
§ I have created a special email id for the forum: lift.leuven@gmail.com. All communications regarding the forum will reach you from this email id from now on. I advise you to please add the email id to your contact list so that the mails from the forum will not go into the junk box, and please use this email id to communicate with the forum.
§ I have created a blog for LIFT:
Even if it needs to be still developed further, all the info about LIFT will be posted on this blog. You are most welcome to leave your comments at this blog. While you can leave your comments/responses to the postings on this blog, you will not be able to post any new posts yourself. If you have any suggestion for new posts, please send a mail to me at: lift.leuven@gmail.com
See you on 30th April.
Warmly Welcome!
Joji
(For LIFT: Leuven-Indian Forum for Theology)
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